


Friends Help You Move

by quackers



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Serial Killers, Best Friends, Gen, Humor, Original Character Death(s), Platonic Relationships, serial killer Ryan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-09-13 21:40:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16900308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quackers/pseuds/quackers
Summary: “Ryan, from the bottom of my heart, what the fuck?”Ryan winced. “Things didn't really, uh, go according to plan.”





	Friends Help You Move

At first, all Shane saw was red. 

It was everywhere, covering the floor and dripping from one wall. There might have been some on the ceiling. It was like that iconic scene from Carrie. His attention was split between the blood and Ryan's surprised expression.

Honestly, it was a little impressive. 

Very De Palma.

After a second of frozen, wide-eyed silence, Ryan blurted, “It's not what it looks like.”

Shane blinked, very obviously looked at the sprawled body, then moved his gaze from the blood staining Ryan's shirt to the bloody knife clutched in one hand. He raised one eyebrow.

Ryan seemed to deflate. He turned downright sheepish. “It's exactly what it looks like.”

Society and common sense told Shane that he should have been shocked and worried, that he should have been backing away and figuring out how he was going to call the police. 

Instead, he started laughing. Mostly, it was a laugh of disbelief, but really, there was some humor in there as well. 

“How the hell-” he started to ask, but he made the mistake of glancing up and taking in Ryan's expression. He broke off to laugh even harder. 

“Uh…”

Shane drug in a couple of deep breaths to calm himself down, hand covering his mouth to try and hide the inappropriate smile. Ryan was staring at him like he was crazy, which was rich coming from the guy covered in blood. It took another moment, but Shane eventually managed to say, “Ryan, from the bottom of my heart, what the fuck?”

Ryan winced. “Things didn't really, uh, go according to plan.”

“No shit, really? Your plan wasn't to kill someone and get their blood everywhere?”

“I put down a tarp!”

Shane looked down and sure enough, there was a blue plastic tarp under the man's body. It had been easily missed under the sheer amount of blood. He licked his lips, stalling for a second, before falling into the familiar habit of a favorite pastime; razzing Ryan. 

“Oh, right, that makes it better. Clearly. How in the ever loving fuck did you convince this guy to just stand there and let you stab him?”

Maybe it was because of the comfortable cadence of their usual banter, but Ryan grinned and said, “I asked him nicely.”

Shane laughed despite himself, a small huff of air. 

“Nah,” Ryan continued, still oddly relaxed, if embarrassed, while standing over a dead body. “I drugged him and carried him here. He just- he woke up a little sooner than he should have.”

“To be clear, that means that he woke up at all, right?”

Ryan hesitated, then set his shoulders. “Yeah, pretty much,” he said evenly. 

Shane pulled his phone out of his pocket and Ryan instantly tensed. “Let's not do anything hasty,” Ryan said, bringing his hand up in what was probably supposed to be a calming gesture. Considering he still had a big ass knife in that hand, it didn't really work.

There was a coiled tension gathering in his muscles, a tilt of his head that said he was calculating just how fast he could get to Shane.

For the first time in his life, Shane was afraid of Ryan. He didn't want to be, it wasn't a reaction he wanted to feel around his best friend. So he ignored it. He cut the emotion off and pretended it had never happened. “Hasty like killing a guy in a house you share with other people?” Shane asked, deliberately dropping his eyes from Ryan to his phone. 

The show of trust must have confused Ryan, because his answer was slow in coming. “They’re gone for the weekend. Shane, you know I can’t let you tell anyone about this.”

“I’m letting Sara know I’ll be late,” Shane said, as if Ryan was overreacting. He turned his phone around and held it out, proving that he wasn’t trying to sneakily text the police or something. Ryan lowered his hand and, consequently, the knife as he leaned forward to read the text

Ryan’s brow furrowed, looking more confused than Shane had ever seen him. “And you told her that because… ?”

“Because I don’t want her calling me while we’re trying to stuff a body into the trunk of your car.” Shane wasn’t sure if it would be more rude to ignore his girlfriend or his ghoulfriend in that situation. It would be best for everyone involved if it just didn’t happen. He slid his phone back into his pocket, then clapped and rubbed his hands together as if he was about to dive into a fun project.

A fun, bloody, disgusting project that involved cleaning. Wonderful. Just what he had been looking forward to on his Saturday.

He should have stayed in bed.

“We?” Ryan asked, his voice breaking on the word. “ _We’re_ going to- You know what? Fine, you invited yourself to this party, you get to help.”

“Awesome,” Shane said, then pointedly looked around. “You have gloves or are we just willfully getting our fingerprints all over this guy?”

It took Ryan a couple of tries to get any words out, stunned at how cavalier Shane was being.  Shane would have been more amused if he wasn’t painfully aware of time passing. Sara wouldn’t question him hanging out with Ryan for a couple of hours, but there was a limit to how far he could push it. 

And there was no way in hell he was getting her involved in this.

“Uh, I usually burn the body in the desert, so there won’t be any prints,” Ryan finally said, confirming Shane’s suspicion that Ryan had done this before. 

Again, Shane had to push a sense of fear away. Nope, he wasn’t going to be afraid of  _Ryan_ . It wasn’t like the guy hadn’t had plenty of opportunity to kill him over the years. As long as he didn’t force the issue, he doubted Ryan would try now. 

If nothing else, Ryan would have to get a new co-host and the fanbase would probably throw a collective fit if he tried to bring in Zack for the Supernatural and True Crime seasons. It just wouldn’t be worth it. 

“Right, how many times have you done this?”

“Um… six?” Ryan said it like it was a question, obviously unsure if he should have answered. 

Shane stared at him. “How the  _ hell _ have you not gotten caught yet? If this is an example of your work, you should be in prison by now.”

Nothing fired up Ryan faster than someone criticizing his work ethic. “Fuck you, there were extenuating circumstances,” Ryan said, crossing his arms and glaring. “This is the first time the dude woke up.”

Glaring felt safer than the the calculating expression from earlier. It actually made Shane relax. 

“Uh huh.” Shane took a deep breath, wrinkled his nose at the smell of blood, then took a step forward and crouched down. The tarp crinkled as he picked up one corner, trying to figure out how to wrap it around the dead guy’s feet without actually having to touch said dead guy. “Well, this sure is a doozie of a situation. I hope you weren’t planning on reusing this tarp.” 

“What, my ol’ murder tarp? How dare you suggest I throw that away?”

There was probably something wrong with them that they would joke about it like this. Shane laughed and exclaimed, “It’s been in the family for generations!”

“I’ll pass it down to my children like the world’s creepiest heirloom.”

Still smiling, Shane waved his hand at Ryan. “Put that down and give me the other end. I’m not going with you to your merry little bonfire, but I’ll help you clean. There’s no way you’ll be able to reach the top of the wall by yourself.”

He expected some kind of response to his dig at Ryan’s height. Instead, there was a quiet, amused sigh and the rustle of the knife being sat down on top of the dead man’s torso. 

“Why did you show up at my apartment, anyways?”

“We actually knew your roommates were gone, so we thought we’d invite you over for some movies. But you weren’t answering your phone.”

Ryan smiled awkwardly, a little uncertain. “So you drove here?”

Shane shrugged. “I already had some errands in the area, it wasn’t really out of my way.”

“Oh,” Ryan said. He looked stunned. “That was a nice thought. Thank you.”

Eyeing the body at their feet, Shane slowly said, “Obviously you had plans. Now I know why you weren’t answering your phone.”

“I guess I’ll send a text next time.”

The idea of a ‘next time’ was disconcerting, but Shane decided to ignore it.

Together they managed to get the tarp around the body and then propped the entire package against the wall. Shane watched with sick fascination as blood started to drip out the bottom. “It’s like when you get a burrito that’s too wet and all the juices get everywhere. 

Ryan barked a short, shocked laugh. “Fuck, Shane. You psychopath.”

Shane raised both eyebrows. “Excuse me?  _You’re_ the one that killed him.”

“Sure, but I’m not comparing him to a fucking burrito.” Ryan shook his head and motioned for Shane to get the body’s bottom half.

They worked as quickly as they could, shuffling the surprisingly heavy body out the back door and squashing it into the trunk of Ryan’s car. Shane muttered the entire time about how stupid it was to do it in the daytime. Ryan ignored him. He also ignored Shane’s mocking when he took his bloody shirt off and threw it into the trunk as well.

It was while they scrubbing at the floor with rags soaked in a bleach solution that stung Shane’s fingers that he finally asked, as casually as he could, “So uh, why you’d kill that guy, anyways? Got a little itch you had to scratch, or-?”

Ryan sent him an unamused look. “Don’t compare murder to sex, for the love of God.”

Shane shrugged. They worked in silence for a few minutes before Ryan sat back on his heels and sighed. “He was a serial rapist and pedophile that got out of prison early for being a model prisoner.”

Letting that sink in, Shane sat up as well. That knowledge actually did make him feel a little better. “So this isn’t the Ricky bit going too far?”

“The what bit?”

Despite himself, Shane cracked a grin at Ryan’s exaggeratedly confused expression. “Nevermind, don’t worry about it.” He stretched, his back and knees popping as he got to his feet. Eyeing the wall, he exclaimed dramatically, “Good Lord, just how much blood can be in one man’s body? It’s on the ceiling!”

“It is not-” Ryan paused. “Holy  _shit_ , it’s on the ceiling. How?”

“You tell me, you’re the serial killer.”

“I’m not a serial killer!”

“You’ve killed more than three people, presumably over an extended period of time. So yeah, you are.” At Ryan’s expression, Shane shrugged. “What? I listen to your rambling. And you ramble a lot about true crime.”

Ryan actually looked a little touched. “Well,” he paused, bit his lip in thought, then said in a rush, “You’re not wrong. I’d probably be considered a mission-oriented serial killer, since I’m not insane and I believe my victims deserved death.” He looked up at Shane with wide eyes, obviously nervous. It was clear that he thought  _ now _ was the time Shane would break. 

“Ryan,” Shane said solemnly. “You believe in _ghosts_. You’re a little insane.”

There was a moment of silence, then Ryan started laughing. Shane joined because what else was he going to do? It wasn’t like he could back out now. 

“Thanks, big guy,” Ryan said once he caught his breath. He reached up to clap Shane on the arm. “For everything.”

Shane grinned and slung his arm over Ryan’s shoulders, ignoring the shorter man’s squawk of indignation. “Well, you know what they say. Friends help you move.”

Ryan started laughing again before he could get the rest of the words out, but he finished it anyways. 

“Best friends help you move bodies.”

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> My attempt at humor!
> 
> Thank you for reading. See ya next time! : )


End file.
